Enjoying the Detour

"The really happy person is the one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."

~Anonymous

Oops, we've run into a detour on our way to where we planned to go. We thought we were going to law school or culinary school or on a trip to Europe, but something happened and now we find ourselves working and living in places we never dreamed of.

Maybe someone close to us needed our help. Maybe our finances didn't work out the way we'd hoped. Maybe we unexpectedly fell in love. We can sigh over the plans that went awry--or we can be pleased about landing right where we are. Maybe we'll get back to those original plans, maybe not. However, whatever we do, we are going to be happy.

~from The Daily Book of Positive Quotations written by Linda Picone

I haven’t looked in my quote book for like a week and this was chosen for today’s date, September 7. I was about to begin my sentence with “As most of you know” but in reality, I have no idea the people that actually ready this. You may not know who I am in the slightest bit and randomly just stumbled upon this. I give you credit for actually reading my rambling muses and failed attempts to write. I’m getting off the topic train right now….my thoughts are all over the place. Possibly because I am multitasking writing this by working at the same time. Plus people keep coming in and out of my office wishing me a happy birthday. Yes, if you don’t know me, and maybe if you do but don’t know me that well, today is my birthday.

Originally I planned on writing about the passage above from one of my daily quote books, however I am following the today’s theme and taking a detour. As I briefly mentioned above, who reads this? I mean, really? I know some of my very close friends read this. When I post it on my Facebook then I obviously will get a few hits from people that know me. Sometimes I notice people from England or Denmark take a gander. Actually, I just decided to look at the stats page and did you know that 13 people from Germany have read this. Yeah, 13…I was surprised too. I mean, they have to speak English and I hope its good English because how the hell do they understand me? Sometimes I speak in my own little language that only a few people can really decipher and to tell you the truth, I am trying REALLY hard right now to use proper grammar. If someone was sitting next to me and could actually see how many words I misspell I would hang my head in shame. I actually, I don’t really care that I can’t spell because that is what spell check is for right? One might say I actually do care because why else would I bring it up? What am I doing right now….shoot. You know, in English class teachers used to make us write for however long and you weren’t allowed to stop writing. You would just put down whatever words came into your mind, whether they made sense or not. God, I hated that. You know what, it just hit my why I hated that. Because we had to write….not type….write. Writing is so much easier on a keyboard, less hand cramps. I hated taking notes in school and getting hand cramps. I still can’t think of the word for this style of writing. Continuous style? Free flowing? I am sure it’s really simple but I just can’t remember it. Alright, I need to know…I am gonna google it. I know I am gonna kick myself because its probably so easy and I just can’t remember the word. That happens to me a lot. I try to use words to describe things and can’t think of them. Sometimes when I am at work writing an email I forget the simplest words. Simplest, is that a word? I thought it was but then I wrote more simple and that little green scribbly line popped up under the word. I should never doubt myself, I was right. Oh man, if you only saw how I just spelled the world “scribbly” . FREE WRITING! That was the term I was looking for…FREE WRTING!!!! I knew I was gonna be pissed at myself when I looked that up.

Alright, no more free writing. I liked it though. I noticed I use the word “you” a lot. Like when I am trying to explain things or write about actions. I say, “you would, you do, etc.”. Just making an observation.

I have never been really worried about who reads this or what people think of this. But my uncle said something to me in passing like a month ago and it got me really insecure about this blog. We were discussing Facebook and how some people put everything out there. Well first he said I swore a lot on my facebook. That made me chuckle, I mean, first off….I don’t really consider words such as damn, shit or ass to be swear words. Secondly, I don’t drop the F-bomb on my facebook that often. Yeah, I totally have in the past but I can remember the last time I did and I was fucking pissed. Thirdly, anyone that’s knows me knows I have the mouth of a sailor. So I think I do a pretty good job keeping it PG. And fourthly, I am not gonna lie…I LIKE to swear. It’s not my fault every time I say the word fuck it feels so good. Seriously, just say it out loud right now. It is such a great fucking word. I would use it more if it was socially acceptable…it is just a word. A four letter word. I don’t get why it’s so bad. It’s not like I am causing physical harm to anyone when I say it. So you people that get your panties all in a ruffle every time you hear it, remember….it’s just a word. Say it outloud and trust me, you’ll feel better.

Anyways, back to me being insecure about this blog. During our conversation about FB, he mentioned that I am someone that puts it all out there. I didn’t really view myself like that and obviously, I told him that. He responded, “You have a freaking journal out there!” A journal? This is a journal? No way dude, this is no journal. I would never put my journal “out there” like this. This is something for me to do when I’m bored or when I’m in the writing mood. I obviously love to talk so when I’m by myself and I want to talk I write. And I will write about shit that interests me. It’s nice and feels good to get my thoughts down on paper, or screen. It’s kind of like, they are no longer just thoughts, they are more than that. They are real. People are allowed to read and know these thoughts. But my journal….no way man.

Speaking of journals, this leads to another detour. I lost my journal. Well, I know where I left it but it’s definitely lost. It’s long gone and who knows what hands it is in. I’m a fan of journaling. I have a few of them because I tend to misplace things a lot and sometimes I get the urge to write at the strangest times. Technically I have notebooks all over the place but legit journals I only have two…now I am down to one. I took a special one with my on my pilgrimage and I ALMOST took it with me to St. Kitts. Thank you little baby Jesus I didn’t because it would be sayonara and I would be SAD. The pilgrimage was the most incredible experience of my life and that journal captures a part of it. You think my thoughts are all over this place reading this….damn, you should see that thing. Its totally illegible. I mean, I didn’t try to write nice because who am I impressing, its for me. I thought maybe I should write neater because I know later in life I will be trying to read it thinking what the hell does this say, but I usually can figure out my chicken scratch pretty well. I actually love the journal…it’s totally me in every way. Some of it is written in pen, some of it in pencil. Half of a sentence is blue ink, the other half in black. I write in different directions on some of the pages and then there are a few blank pages, followed by a thesis on the next 5. It was just me in my most honest form looking at life in the most honest way. I recently had dinner with the ladies I went on my pilgrimage with and you shoulda seen some of their journals…IMPECCIBLE! Beautiful CURSIVE handwriting…..no scratches. They even have DRAWINGS of place we were at….NICE DRAWINGS!!! I have strange little doodles of boxes and other weird shapes.

Wow, this entry is all over the place. If you kept up with me this far, I love you. Really…if anyone can still be reading this, I seriously love you, or you must love me. It’s weird to think my journal is out there in the world somewhere. It’s the journal I had from this past winter. It’s a sad journal. Now someone has it or maybe it was thrown away. I wonder where it is right now. I wonder who the person was that found it and if they read it. What did they think? The journal I am talking about is actually very neat because I used it during my 8 week retreat SPA retreat. I talked about God it in a lot…actually, I wrote it TO God in almost every entry. Maybe a priest found it or someone that believes in God and would really appreciate it. Actually, it would be nice if someone that was struggling with their faith found it and it somehow helped them. It could be in the trash somewhere or it could already have been destroyed and there is no evidence it ever existed. All I know is, at first I was sad because every once in a while I like to glance at my old journals…you know, visit the past for a little bit and remember who I was. Remember what I thought about and how I felt. See how far I have come or be reminded of how great I can be. I think a lot of shit happens for a reason. Like when I was on my pilgrimage and my camera battery died half way through the trip...I was SO pissed. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened because I was able to focus all my attention to the moment….really see what was in front of me. I wasn’t worried about getting a great shot or trying to capture the beauty of what I saw. I had my eyes, my heart and my head to do that job. So maybe it is good I lost this journal. Like I said, it was a sad journal. It was only used during a very sad time in my life. I stopped writing in it the day after I finished my retreat which was at the end of April. I hadn’t even looked at it or read any the entries of it since the last time I wrote in it. I pulled it out on the plan ride to St. Kitts and was about to start writing, but before I even opened it I got tired so I put it in the seat holder and there it stayed. Maybe it’s good I never opened it again. I don’t need to be reminded about that time….the saddest time of my life. I don’t need to be reminded about what I lost during those dreadful months. So I guess I am glad it’s gone. For the first time in such a long time, I finally feel free.