If you want to change the world

I have been on a major poetry kick the past few days. Well, I mean I always love poetry, but I have found some new poems and rediscovered old ones. I just ordered a some new books today which I'm super pumped about. One of them is Andrea Gibson's new book which I cannot wait to get my hands on. Her writing always speaks volumes to me so I am hoping I find some gems in there that hit the right notes on my heart strings. So tonight while bored dickin around on facebook, I came across this poem that one of my friend's posted as a note and tagged me on during the month of April. Which in case you don't know, is National Poetry Month. I remember back then thinking after I read it, man if I had a blog I would totally post this on it. What do you know, about 2 weeks later I started a blog and not surprisingly, I already forgot about the poem. Shelly actually performed this poem at one of the She Speaks's and it was absolutely beautiful. I'm glad I found it again because it truly is a great piece of writing.

If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

 by Lisa Citore

When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem. - Lisa Citore

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.

Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.

Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.

Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-

every winged one, every furry and scaled one,

every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,

every not yet born and dying one…

Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.

If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.

If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,

you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman

beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,

beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety

and all your superficial concepts of freedom.

We have given ourselves so many choices

we have forgotten that true liberation

comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire

and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is only one Goddess.

Look into Her eyes and see-really see

if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.

If not, walk away. Right now.

Don’t waste time “trying.”

Know that your decision has nothing to do with her

because ultimately it’s not with who,

but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.

Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,

beyond your fear of being manipulated

by the Mother inside your head.

Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.

Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,

plant trees with her and watch them grow.

Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,

by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess

through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman

in all her faces, through all her seasons

and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-

your double-mindedness and half-heartedness

which keeps your Spirit and body separate-

which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self

for something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman.

Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one

and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,

trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.

Man doesn’t need any more choices.

What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,

of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,

of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots

strong enough to hold the Earth together

while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .

Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.

Love her through her fear of abandonment

which she has been holding for all of humanity.

No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.

No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman

all the way through

until she believes you,

until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,

her wildness have returned to her-

until she is a force of love more powerful

than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,

lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.

Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger

and love a woman…

beyond all of your striving for greatness,

beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.

The holy grail stands before you

if you would only take her in your arms

and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered

through the heart of Woman?

What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine

is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman

to the depths of your shadow,

to the highest reaches of your Being,

back to the Garden where you first met her,

to the gateway of the rainbow realm

where you walk through together as Light as One,

to the point of no return,

to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

Blue Blanket

pick the brightest star you ever wished on and I'll show the light in you that made that wish come true
tonight
-Andrea Gibson

Picture

NGC 6960: The Witch's Broom Nebula

Credit &Copyright: Adam Block

A heartbeat at my feet

"My little dog--a heart beat at my feet."

~Edith Wharton

Two years ago on this day, September 26, my heart was forever changed. My mom and I drove down to Louisville, Kentucky with plans of rescuing a female black pug; however it was her that rescued me.

I have found that when you are deeply troubled, there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source. -Doris Day

As my mom and I drove the 5 ½ hours down to Louisville, and I had a million thoughts running through my head. “Am I really ready to take care of a dog? Is this thing going to put a dent in my social life? Instead of always doing what I want, when I want, I am going to have a dog at home that I HAVE to take care of. Do I really want that responsibility? I’m only 25 and in the primetime of my life. My favorite hour is happy hour and I can kiss those goodbye. What am I getting myself into?!?!” To tell you the truth….I was anxious, nervous and wanted to turn around the entire drive.

 Dogs never lie about love. ~Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

As we pulled into the driveway I thought this four legged creature better be worth it. We rang the doorbell, walked inside and that was it. As I walked in the doorway, this scrawny, little black pug that sounded like a 300 pound overweight man came running at me like I was her saving grace. I kneeled down and she jumped in my arms, kissing my face as she was saying, I KNEW YOU WOULD COME. She didn’t even acknowledge my mom who is like a freakin dog whisperer. No joke, just call her Cesar Millan. This dog just looked at me like she knew me….that I was hers and she had been waiting this whole time for me.

There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog. ~Konrad Lorenz

She was a complete mess. Every 5 seconds the dog would squat and piss blood. She was completely emaciated and not I only could feel all her rib bones, I could count them. Her breathing was loud and scary….it sounded like she was dying.  The woman that was giving her to us had recently rescued a large group of pugs from an abandoned barn used as a puppy mill a few months prior. She was trying to find homes and families to adopt the dogs. When we went to pick up “Wilma” as she was listed online, we had no idea she would be as sick as she was because this woman advertised them as mostly healthy. My mom took one look at her and then looked at me, telling me that I didn’t have to take her because of her condition and not knowing if she would even survive. I looked down at those eyes staring up at me and I knew that I couldn’t turn away from her. She needed me and something inside of me needed her too.

 Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them,
Filling an emptiness we don't even know we have. ~Thom Jones

The first night of our life together, she spent inside an oxygen filled incubator. We took her to an emergency vet clinic and I’ll never forget when Jimmy Redman, aka Dr. McHottie, asked me her name and without hesitation, I said Sasha. There was a huge list of things wrong with the poor girl. She had a collapsed lung from most likely being beaten, a “raging” UTI, bladder stones, kidney stones, parasites, you name it. McHottie told me that she was only 1 ½ years old and must have had at least 2 litters already, explaining it as a puppy having puppies. He also explained that a dog should be a certain age before breeding and a person should wait at least six months before attempting to breed the dog again. He also told me that if I hadn’t come along, she would have died soon.  That fall was spent getting Sasha healthy after two major surgeries (one for her breathing the other due to damage from having puppies) and countless antibiotics. I had a lot of help from my parents those months, so I give them all the credit. People told me I was crazy but that thought never crossed my mind. She never acted like she was in pain….she was just happy to belong to someone. The vets believed that she was in so much pain and had always been in pain, that she didn’t know what normal was.

 I can't think of anything that brings me closer to tears than when my old dog — completely exhausted after a hard day in the field — limps away from her nice spot in front of the fire and comes over to where I'm sitting and puts her head in my lap, a paw over my knee, and closes her eyes, and goes back to sleep. I don't know what I've done to deserve that kind of friend. ~Gene Hill

People can read this and think I am crazy for writing about a dog or even how I feel about this dog. All I can say is, I never knew a certain love existed until Sasha came into my life. I can’t explain it….I really can’t. There is so much joy in her eyes that I can feel it every time I look at her. She lives in a world where love is all there is. She doesn’t remember her horrible past and maybe that is just because she is a dog. But that joy was in her eyes the moment I saw her, even when suffering horrific pain. She smiles….the dog actually smiles…she was smiling the moment I walked in the door and has every time since. She has a love for life that most people never find; a love for people that I don’t understand, and she loves me when I find it hard to love myself. Every day I see her smiling face, she makes my heart smile and reminds me that unconditional love does exist. I know that my parents and brothers love me unconditionally, but like all relationships, there are ups and down, fights and disappointments which sometimes make it hard to feel that unconditional part of love. No matter what I do, where I go, how long I am gone and whether I am right or wrong….there Sasha is at my side, loving me. Times when I am discouraged, saddened, and hopeless, she reminds me that life is a gift because she truly is so happy to be alive. She is fighter and she doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. How do I know that, because I watch her go after her stupid balls that are stuck under my couches and chair which annoys the HELL out of me, but she always finds a way to get the damn ball. Determination....she for sure is a fierce little bitch.  

 Dogs don't know about beginnings, and they don't speculate on matters that occurred before their time. Dogs also don't know — or at least don't accept — the concept of death. With no concept of beginnings or endings dogs probably don't know that for people having a dog as a life companion provides a streak of light between two eternities of darkness. ~Stanley Coren

In conclusion, I am happy that God brought this little creature to my life. She brought light into my life when I was falling into darkness. Sasha lit a candle of love in my heart that shows me how beautiful life is from the simple wonders of nature, to finding and recognizing people whom make that light in my heart brighter just being in their presence.

No one can fully understand the meaning of love unless he's owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes. ~Gene Hill

His ears were often the first thing to catch my tears.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning, referring to her cocker spaniel, Flush

He never makes it his business to inquire whether you are in the right or wrong, never bothers as to whether you are going up or down life's ladder, never asks whether you are rich or poor, silly or wise, sinner or saint. You are his pal. That is enough for him.

~Jerome K. Jerome

The dog is the most faithful of animals and would be much esteemed were it not so common. Our Lord God has made his greatest gift the commonest.

~Martin Luther

A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

~Josh Billing

Enjoying the Detour

"The really happy person is the one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."

~Anonymous

Oops, we've run into a detour on our way to where we planned to go. We thought we were going to law school or culinary school or on a trip to Europe, but something happened and now we find ourselves working and living in places we never dreamed of.

Maybe someone close to us needed our help. Maybe our finances didn't work out the way we'd hoped. Maybe we unexpectedly fell in love. We can sigh over the plans that went awry--or we can be pleased about landing right where we are. Maybe we'll get back to those original plans, maybe not. However, whatever we do, we are going to be happy.

~from The Daily Book of Positive Quotations written by Linda Picone

I haven’t looked in my quote book for like a week and this was chosen for today’s date, September 7. I was about to begin my sentence with “As most of you know” but in reality, I have no idea the people that actually ready this. You may not know who I am in the slightest bit and randomly just stumbled upon this. I give you credit for actually reading my rambling muses and failed attempts to write. I’m getting off the topic train right now….my thoughts are all over the place. Possibly because I am multitasking writing this by working at the same time. Plus people keep coming in and out of my office wishing me a happy birthday. Yes, if you don’t know me, and maybe if you do but don’t know me that well, today is my birthday.

Originally I planned on writing about the passage above from one of my daily quote books, however I am following the today’s theme and taking a detour. As I briefly mentioned above, who reads this? I mean, really? I know some of my very close friends read this. When I post it on my Facebook then I obviously will get a few hits from people that know me. Sometimes I notice people from England or Denmark take a gander. Actually, I just decided to look at the stats page and did you know that 13 people from Germany have read this. Yeah, 13…I was surprised too. I mean, they have to speak English and I hope its good English because how the hell do they understand me? Sometimes I speak in my own little language that only a few people can really decipher and to tell you the truth, I am trying REALLY hard right now to use proper grammar. If someone was sitting next to me and could actually see how many words I misspell I would hang my head in shame. I actually, I don’t really care that I can’t spell because that is what spell check is for right? One might say I actually do care because why else would I bring it up? What am I doing right now….shoot. You know, in English class teachers used to make us write for however long and you weren’t allowed to stop writing. You would just put down whatever words came into your mind, whether they made sense or not. God, I hated that. You know what, it just hit my why I hated that. Because we had to write….not type….write. Writing is so much easier on a keyboard, less hand cramps. I hated taking notes in school and getting hand cramps. I still can’t think of the word for this style of writing. Continuous style? Free flowing? I am sure it’s really simple but I just can’t remember it. Alright, I need to know…I am gonna google it. I know I am gonna kick myself because its probably so easy and I just can’t remember the word. That happens to me a lot. I try to use words to describe things and can’t think of them. Sometimes when I am at work writing an email I forget the simplest words. Simplest, is that a word? I thought it was but then I wrote more simple and that little green scribbly line popped up under the word. I should never doubt myself, I was right. Oh man, if you only saw how I just spelled the world “scribbly” . FREE WRITING! That was the term I was looking for…FREE WRTING!!!! I knew I was gonna be pissed at myself when I looked that up.

Alright, no more free writing. I liked it though. I noticed I use the word “you” a lot. Like when I am trying to explain things or write about actions. I say, “you would, you do, etc.”. Just making an observation.

I have never been really worried about who reads this or what people think of this. But my uncle said something to me in passing like a month ago and it got me really insecure about this blog. We were discussing Facebook and how some people put everything out there. Well first he said I swore a lot on my facebook. That made me chuckle, I mean, first off….I don’t really consider words such as damn, shit or ass to be swear words. Secondly, I don’t drop the F-bomb on my facebook that often. Yeah, I totally have in the past but I can remember the last time I did and I was fucking pissed. Thirdly, anyone that’s knows me knows I have the mouth of a sailor. So I think I do a pretty good job keeping it PG. And fourthly, I am not gonna lie…I LIKE to swear. It’s not my fault every time I say the word fuck it feels so good. Seriously, just say it out loud right now. It is such a great fucking word. I would use it more if it was socially acceptable…it is just a word. A four letter word. I don’t get why it’s so bad. It’s not like I am causing physical harm to anyone when I say it. So you people that get your panties all in a ruffle every time you hear it, remember….it’s just a word. Say it outloud and trust me, you’ll feel better.

Anyways, back to me being insecure about this blog. During our conversation about FB, he mentioned that I am someone that puts it all out there. I didn’t really view myself like that and obviously, I told him that. He responded, “You have a freaking journal out there!” A journal? This is a journal? No way dude, this is no journal. I would never put my journal “out there” like this. This is something for me to do when I’m bored or when I’m in the writing mood. I obviously love to talk so when I’m by myself and I want to talk I write. And I will write about shit that interests me. It’s nice and feels good to get my thoughts down on paper, or screen. It’s kind of like, they are no longer just thoughts, they are more than that. They are real. People are allowed to read and know these thoughts. But my journal….no way man.

Speaking of journals, this leads to another detour. I lost my journal. Well, I know where I left it but it’s definitely lost. It’s long gone and who knows what hands it is in. I’m a fan of journaling. I have a few of them because I tend to misplace things a lot and sometimes I get the urge to write at the strangest times. Technically I have notebooks all over the place but legit journals I only have two…now I am down to one. I took a special one with my on my pilgrimage and I ALMOST took it with me to St. Kitts. Thank you little baby Jesus I didn’t because it would be sayonara and I would be SAD. The pilgrimage was the most incredible experience of my life and that journal captures a part of it. You think my thoughts are all over this place reading this….damn, you should see that thing. Its totally illegible. I mean, I didn’t try to write nice because who am I impressing, its for me. I thought maybe I should write neater because I know later in life I will be trying to read it thinking what the hell does this say, but I usually can figure out my chicken scratch pretty well. I actually love the journal…it’s totally me in every way. Some of it is written in pen, some of it in pencil. Half of a sentence is blue ink, the other half in black. I write in different directions on some of the pages and then there are a few blank pages, followed by a thesis on the next 5. It was just me in my most honest form looking at life in the most honest way. I recently had dinner with the ladies I went on my pilgrimage with and you shoulda seen some of their journals…IMPECCIBLE! Beautiful CURSIVE handwriting…..no scratches. They even have DRAWINGS of place we were at….NICE DRAWINGS!!! I have strange little doodles of boxes and other weird shapes.

Wow, this entry is all over the place. If you kept up with me this far, I love you. Really…if anyone can still be reading this, I seriously love you, or you must love me. It’s weird to think my journal is out there in the world somewhere. It’s the journal I had from this past winter. It’s a sad journal. Now someone has it or maybe it was thrown away. I wonder where it is right now. I wonder who the person was that found it and if they read it. What did they think? The journal I am talking about is actually very neat because I used it during my 8 week retreat SPA retreat. I talked about God it in a lot…actually, I wrote it TO God in almost every entry. Maybe a priest found it or someone that believes in God and would really appreciate it. Actually, it would be nice if someone that was struggling with their faith found it and it somehow helped them. It could be in the trash somewhere or it could already have been destroyed and there is no evidence it ever existed. All I know is, at first I was sad because every once in a while I like to glance at my old journals…you know, visit the past for a little bit and remember who I was. Remember what I thought about and how I felt. See how far I have come or be reminded of how great I can be. I think a lot of shit happens for a reason. Like when I was on my pilgrimage and my camera battery died half way through the trip...I was SO pissed. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened because I was able to focus all my attention to the moment….really see what was in front of me. I wasn’t worried about getting a great shot or trying to capture the beauty of what I saw. I had my eyes, my heart and my head to do that job. So maybe it is good I lost this journal. Like I said, it was a sad journal. It was only used during a very sad time in my life. I stopped writing in it the day after I finished my retreat which was at the end of April. I hadn’t even looked at it or read any the entries of it since the last time I wrote in it. I pulled it out on the plan ride to St. Kitts and was about to start writing, but before I even opened it I got tired so I put it in the seat holder and there it stayed. Maybe it’s good I never opened it again. I don’t need to be reminded about that time….the saddest time of my life. I don’t need to be reminded about what I lost during those dreadful months. So I guess I am glad it’s gone. For the first time in such a long time, I finally feel free.