To give and not to count the cost



Wow, where to begin?! The time has finally come….I have been waiting anxiously since October for this once and a lifetime adventure: the Ignatian Pilgrimage to Spain and Italy.  I will be traveling with 4 other lovely ladies from Ignatius as well as 30 other people from the various Jesuit institutions belonging to the Detroit/Chicago Province. (Keeping my fingers crossed for some young, attractive male teachers but I’m thinking most likely that will be a negative ghost rider.)

I am beyond excited for this trip. Speechless, almost that is… I don’t think I can ever be speechless! However I’m hoping one day something moves me to that point where words lack meaning and I cannot utter a sound. I have been looking forward to this trip for many reasons. Number 1: I have never been to Europe. I actually will never forget when I read the email that I had been chosen to go on the pilgrimage. I can remember vividly the night before having a conversation with a friend about how badly I want to travel to Europe. Then, that next day I read my emails and I had to re-read it like three times to make sure I was reading it right. At this point, I knew I would most likely not be working at Ignatius at the time of the pilgrimage so my first feeling of overwhelming excitement was put on a gut-wrenching halt thinking about one, the reality of no longer being at this place (Ignatius) and two, missing out on this once and a lifetime experience. Thankfully, I received word that yes, it was known that I was looking into possible job opportunities and that I was welcomed to come on the trip if I had found a new job at that point. Thank you Lord and St. Ignatius!!!

I believe God works in mysterious ways. Life itself is one giant mystery which will never be solved until that day we greet Him at the pearly-white gates. However, God presents certain things, people, experiences at the times we need them most. Sometimes we don’t realize how much we need something until it arrives or even after it has passed. As I think back to the moment reading that first email about going on this pilgrimage... I realize how naïve I was, which was not bad thing. I was happy living in this world oblivious to how much everything was about to change in just a few short months...completely unaware of the colossal amounts of loss I would grieve from practically every direction in my life. At first I was just excited to go to Europe and see parts of the world I have never seen before, but now I am excited for so many other more meaningful reasons. I don’t think I could explain the depth of what this pilgrimage means to me (and I haven’t even been on it yet!). I fell in love with this place called Saint Ignatius High School which itself is so much more than just a school and even a place. If you want it to be, it can be a way of life. Trust me, not everyone chooses it, you are not forced to..its not the be all end all. You learn basic facts such as the Jesuit ideals and the whole Mission behind the institution and the Jesuit formation. The way of life I’m talking about simply comes from choosing to see God in everything we do and everyone we see.  And most importantly, to love. Love one and other, Love God and most importantly, love yourself. God and love are practically one in the same.  I don’t know where or who I would be if it wasn’t for spending 4 years at that place. I'm not saying the place is perfect..far from it. My years there weren't always sunshine and happiness. However, working there was the best opportunity God has ever provided me. And that opportunity I'm talking about wasn't just meeting amazing people, learning an abundance of knowledge from a professional standpoint or growing deep within my faith.  It was an opportunity to learn how to love….and especially learning how to love myself. In order to ever do anything or be anything in this life I needed to learn how to love ME. And it didn’t happen overnight by any means, and I don’t think I really 100% loved myself the moment I walked out those doors. You can see things so much clearly when you are removed from a situation or after an experience has passed. And looking back I see it in its entirety; the beginning and finished product. And just like any other relationship, loving yourself is something that needs to be worked every day of your life and you need to commit yourself completely to it.

Wow, I am really babbling away. What can I say; I have so many thoughts running around in this head of mine that I just need to get it out sometimes. And I’m not gonna lie, I think they are pretty insightful and worth sharing so that’s why I do this. This post was just supposed to be about where and what places I was actually going to but then I got on a roll. Oh and the whole point of the paragraph above, I’m excited to see where the man who so many of us base our lives after is from and the places that made him who he is. I give you an A for effort if you made it this far down and below are some of the places I will be.

Madrid

First destination on the map to hit up! It’s funny, the hotel we are staying at is called Hotel Convencion!!!!!  Convencion, my least favorite and most said word from last year.  I tell ya, I will never be able to escape the wrath of the Convencion…EVER. We spend two days in Madrid and we actally hit up Avila on our way to Loyola. I’m pumped for that because we actually have Mass at the Monastery of Incarnation which is home of St. Theresa, whom I used for my Confirmation name. Then I was latter dubbed “Little Flower” by 2 of my old co-workers.

Loyola

We spend 3 days in Loyola and this is the place I’m looking most forward to on the trip. We hit up a bunch of awesome spots here and see where St. Ignatius lived, where he was baptized and other things like that. Talking to some people that went on this pilgrimage before they said this was their favorite and I hear it is just absolutely beautiful.

Barcelona

Another 3 days or so is spent in and around Barcelona. We do a day trip to Montserrate visiting the Benedictine Arch-abbey and we also get to hit up Manresa. Looking forward to that and seeing the Grotto where Ignatius formed the Spiritual Exercises which I’m obvi a fan of doing SPA 3 times and I actually plan on doing the 19^th Annotation this upcoming fall.

Assisi

 I don’t know much about Assisi, besides that it’s in Italy. So I’ll report back with my juicy findings.

Rome and the Vatican

And we finally arrive to the grand finale! We spend 3 or 4 days here and I am super pumped for this. One, I get to see the crazy little Italian guys with their tight euro pants which I know will give me a good chuckle (I absolutely DESPISE dudes in tight pants, don’t  get me started). When we are in Rome we actually will have Mass at Gesu Church which is cool because I actually belong to Gesu back home. And finally, the obvi choice: St. Peter’s Basilica. Need I say more?

So yeah, I’m pumped. It should be awesome. All I need beside the essentials is my camera, a journal and my totally beat up worthless(yet priceless on another level) ipod. I’m actually going to be doing a “Technology Cleanse” while I’m on this so that means no CELL PHONE which means no facebook, no texting, no emailing, etc. Should be good for me. ALSO this is exciting. My cousin Danny came up with this idea, NO SMOKING! He told me typically on these trips people tend to give something up (his Dad is the most reliable Catholic I know and has met the Pope and stuff so I trust him) and he mentioned that would be something good to do. I really do want to quit smoking so if I kick it for 2 weeks while I’m there, maybe it will actually last this time We’ll see….gotta try though!  So that’s it people. I’m sure I will have mucho to write about when I get back and an incredible amount of pictures.  Also, one thing to add and then I’m seriously done. My uncle Mike gave my dad and all of their siblings a rosary made from the roses from my Grandma’s funeral. And if you were there….she had a SHITload. Had to throw in the word shit, it was her favorite word!!! Anyways, my Dad told me I can take the rosary with me so I am very excited about that. I’m sure she loves the fact that rosary will be taken all around to some of the holiest spots in the world. Okay, so this is me signing off until mid-July.  And if you read all of this…PROPS to you, thanks for taking the time to read this. J

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.



My heart was too big for my body so I let it go

So yeah, its been while. I mean, not really.... but since I started this thing I haven't gone this long with out posting something. Everytime I came up with an idea to write about on this I have either been driving or lying in my bed half alseep. Which usually leads to me either totally forgetting the idea or never getting around to it. Ya know, I actually wrote up pretty Katrina-esq intro and ALMOST posted a poem I wrote.... but then I pussied out. I dunno why, I mean the damn thing is a few years old but I just couldn't do it. Had it all ready to go and all I needed to do was hit "publish" but I let the fear get to me. I dunno...exposing that part of me...the completely vulnerable, unguarded and unspoken words of my heart....even if I don't feel that same way and have grown up and moved on. It's still hard to share that with the world. Howevs and typical me, I wrote this intro about how fucking amazing it was to read my poem outloud, etc. And I totally did read it outloud to a room full of strangers at one of Blaire's poetry things last year. Oh well....I could make this so long by going on and on but I'm actually falling asleep as I write this so it can't be very good and I'm ending it. 

Okay, sooooo I was sitting here in my family room watching the awesome storm. (Seriously, that lightening is AMAZING, especially with the clouds, it looks so freaking beautiful) while listening to my fave youtubes on shuffle and the spoken word poet, Anis Mojgani, came on with one of my fave poems. I basically just sat for lil bit and decided, boom....this is it. I love this poem, its beautiful so just post it and you will be good to go. Sooooooo, boom here it is. And I am going to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!.

Come Closer

by Anis Mojgani

come closer.

come into this. come closer.

you are quite the beauty. if no one has ever told you that before know that now. you are quite the beauty. there is joy in how your mouth dances with your teeth. your mouth is a sign of how sacred your life truly is. come into this. true of heart come into this. you are true of heart. come closer. come closer. know that whatever God prays to He asked it to help Him make something of worth. He woke from His dreams scraped the soil form the spaces inside Himself made you and was happy. you make the Lord happy.

come into this

come closer.

know that something softer than us but just as holy planted the pieces of Himself into our feet that we might one day find our way back to Him. you are almost home.

come closer come into this. there are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate gentle sparrows aching to sing come aching hearts come soldiers of joy doormen of truth come true of heart come into this.

my heart was too big for my body so I let it go and most days this world has thinned me to where I am just another cloud forgetting another flock of swans but believe me when I tell you my soul has squeezed into narrow spaces. place your hand beneath your head when you sleep tonight and you may find it there making beauty as we sleep as we dream as we turn over when I turn over in the ground may the ghosts that I have asked answers of do the turning kneading me into crumbs of light and into this thing love this thing called life. come into it!

come you wooden museums

you gentle tigers

negro farces in two broken scenes.

come rusting giants!

I see teacups in your smiles upside down glowing. your hands are like my heart. on some days how it trembles. let us hold them together. I am like you. I too at times am filled with fear. but like a hallway must find the strength to walk through it. walk through this with me. walk through this with me. through this church birthed of blood and muscle where every move our arms take every breath we swallow is worship.

bend with me. there are bones in our throats. if we choke it is only on songs.

Things to remember along the way

I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.

Words to live by, according to Fred Rogers that is. Back in January, one of my best friends, Mary, gave me such a beautiful, special and unique gift: Life’s Journey According to Mister Rogers. This book has helped me very much throughout the past few months, as well as my dear friend. It is a small book of inspiring words said and written by our favorite cardigan wearing neighbor. The coolest thing about this book is once I have had my time with it and absorbed all the inspiration, I pass it along to someone else that may benefit from it. Mary had the book for quite a few months and then it hit her. She knew I was the perfect person to benefit from this book so she gave it to me. I am not sure who I am going to give the book to but I think just like Mary, when the right person comes along, I’ll know. I wish I could give it to everyone in my life because he says some really awesome things. I decided why not share some of my favorite quotes from the book therefore numerous people can get a little taste of the life guru that is Mister Rogers. The book ends with a commencement speech he presented to a graduating class where he attended high school. It is very uplifting and the way he views life is remarkable. It is very refreshing when we are surrounded by so much negativity these days. I hope his words find their way into your hearts and you can see the beauty of life as it is, right now. 

*There are many times that I wish I had heard that “just who you are at this moment, with the way you are feeling, is fine. You don’t have to be anything more than who you are right now”.  I’d like to think it’s also something that’s happened to me through the years, that I’m more able to accept myself as I happen to be, rather than as somebody thought I should be.*

*If we’re really honest with ourselves, there are probably times when we think, “What possible use can I be in this world? What need is there for somebody like me to fill? That’s one of the deeper mysteries. Then God’s grace comes to us in the form of another person who tells us we have been of help, and what a blessing that is.*

*When people help us to feel good about who we are, they are really helping us to love the meaning of what we create in this life. It seems to me that the most essential element in the development of any creation must be love—a love that begins in the simple expressions of care for a little child, and, once received, goes to mature into responsible feelings about ourselves and others.*

*I need thinking time when someone asks me a searching question. I wonder why it seems to be so uncomfortable for many people to wait through the silence. People of all ages have deep feelings, and if we have patience to wait through the silence, it’s often astounding what people tell us.*

*As a relationship matures, you start to see that just being there for each other is the most important thing you can do, just being there to listen and be sorry with them, to be happy with them, to share all that there is to share.*

*Honesty is often very hard. The truth is often painful. But the freedom it can bring is worth the trying.*

*Transitions are almost always signs of growth but they can bring feelings of loss. To get somewhere new, you may have to leave somewhere else behind.*

*It is tempting to cling to the familiar. Just like in music, if we keep living….playing in the key of C, we wouldn’t have to take any risks of not making it to the key of E-flat. But we’d never know what it sounded like unless we tried. And once we’ve had the practice and pleasure of making a transition from one key to the next, the subsequent times might not be so quite difficult.*

Graduation Speech at Latrobe High School

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make your free.”

It’s hard for me to believe that it was 1946 when I last sat in this room looking up at those words above this stage. I can tell you, most of my thoughts during my commencement week had to do with plans for the summer or the next year, certainly not fifty years from then! In fact, if somebody had told me that I would go to college and study music and theology and finally produce television programs for young children, I wouldn’t have believe them.

For one thing, I thought I was going to be an airline pilot. (I took flying lessons all during my senior year at the Latrobe Airport.) Obviously I didn’t make that dream come true. It was as if I was meant to do something I never even thought about. How could I have thought about it? In those days, hardly anybody was thinking about television.

Yet all the while, somewhere inside of me, I carried those words. “The truth shall make you free.” And I tried almost unconsciously to discover the truth about who I was and about my neighbor (the person I happened to be with at the moment.) I found out at every turn in the road, that truth seemed to set me free enough to go on.

Dr. Fred Rainsberry was the person who first put me in front of the television camera. For eight years I had co-produced a daily program called The Children’s Corner. I wrote and played the music and voiced the puppets all behind the set.

When Dr. Rainsberry, the head of children’s programming, asked me to work for his department at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, he said, “Fred, I’ve seen you talk with kids. Let’s put you yourself on the air.” I told him I’d never done such a thing, but he replied, “Let’s give it a try. We’ll call it ‘Misterogers.’” His confidence and support launched me into something I may have never dared to do on my own.

Fifty years from now I trust that you’ll look back over your journey and recognize the blessings—great and small—which helped to carry you through, and also realize how other people shared their truth and their light with you and made the trip less lonely.

You know, none of us gets to be competent, mature people without the help of others. By now you’ve discovered that you don’t have to go it alone. In fact, no one gets to be a graduate without the investment of other people: people who have loved you all along the way.

During this extra-special time, I’d like to give you a minute to think about those who have believed in you….those who have helped you live your life knowing what was good and real. A minute of silence for all of us to remember those who have cared about us through our lives: people who have made a significant difference in our being, who we are right now. One minute of silence.

Whomever you’ve been thinking about, whether they are here or far away or even in heaven, imagine how pleased they’d be to know that you recognize what a difference they’ve made in your becoming. And I trust that you’ll discover how much our world needs your truth.

May you seek out your own continuing life education and over time, over your whole lifetime, may you grow in faith and reverence, uprightness in morals, knowledge of language and arts, forgiveness, honesty, commitment, maturity, and your capacity to love.

You’ll be the one to decide your next steps…and the next steps won’t all be easy—not by any means—but if they’re honest, they’ll be worth the try. Any real work has its tough times (you know that), and any real love has its trials. I wish you the kind of life’s work in which you can use the greatest part of who you are; and I wish you the kind of life’s love that will enhance all that you do, as well as all that you are.

My hope for you at the beginning of this new moment in your life that you will take good care of that part of you where your best dreams come from,  that invisible part of you that allows you to look on yourself and your neighbor with delight. Do your best to appreciate the gifts that you really are and always will be….to look for every opportunity that allows you to clap and cheer, loving your neighbor and yourself.

You gonna put that on tape for posterity?

Alright, so here are some awesome tunes and videos  for your weekend enjoyment. There are some sick ass beats and then just good shit to chill out with. I'll venture into other genres later but rock music radiates from my soul so it was a good place to start. Peace out and ENJOY!

You Don't Want To Be Alone

Two Door Cinema Club...this band is the shit. I discovered them back in the winter and definitely dug their stuff, but now that the weather is nicer, damn these are my jams! Sometimes certain music is just better to rock out with windows down on a sunny day and to pump you up for the weekend. Or to just make it through the work day (which has def helped me this week). They have some pretty cool videos too which is another plus. I'm all about discovering new music, it's one of my favorite things...I can never get enough. And I love sharing it because the best resource is people, fellow music junkies. And of course XM radio. Anyways, check out some of their stuff and enjoy the sunshine on this beautiful day!

OH AND GUESS WHAT! I just discovered these dudes are coming to the Beachland Ballroom on September 12.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (even though my bday is a few days before, close enough!)

1. What You Know

2. Something Good Can Work

3. I Can Talk